Nice going

I just spent an hour or more perusing through old blog posts with Chelsea, and then closed blogger and almost forgot to blog XD.

That, dear friends, is what we call a fail.  I'm just glad I caught myself.  It really is an experience to look through journals of the past.  I found one of my old SOCs from, oh, sophomore year.  And I wanted to punch myself.

Oh.  My.  God.

Honestly, people, why did you not punch me in the face?  I think everyone should go back every once in a while and read their oldest things.  It's like watching one of those morphing videos, where one person becomes another, or where people take a picture of themselves every day for x amount of time.  You watch the process, but in doing so, you almost forget where they started.  It's only at the end when they put the first and last picture side-by-side that you really appreciate what happened.  So yeah.  Tonight, I looked at my starting picture.  And I'm glad my current one doesn't look like that.  Seriously, I think I could adopt the identical pose as my freshman headshot, but I think it would still look different, seeing as who I am has changed over the past 2 years.  At least, I like to think so.  I like to hope so.  I really hope so.  Please tell me if this not the case, so I can punch myself until it is.

Anyways.  Participation:

100 for starting to take apart Matt/Sisco/Daria's cart.  Got pretty far.  Oh, that screw gun is marvelous.  It made me giddy.

Creedo in unum deo, Patreem omnipootentem

I have the Credo of Arvo Part's Berliner Messe running through my head.  It's a gorgeous piece.  The title of this entry has each vowel representing one beat, e.g. Creedo is 3 beats, total.

So yes.  Choir is amazing, and healing, and generally happy making.  I left sans headache and with a better mood.  Onto today:

Francesca's workshop is being rather boring, really.  At least for me.  I mean, the various exercises she's having us do seem valid, but very simple and plain.  It's all stuff I feel like I've done before, and while that's not in and of itself a bad thing, I don't think doing it again is proving very useful.  Once again, just for me.  I could fully understand it helping Scarlett's Ophelia and Lindsay's Viola.  A couple of the things Francesca did with them seemed very beneficial.  Ah well.

So, 100 for today for actively participating in the workshop, and for working my monologue.

Hehe. I underlined my name on the Faure Requiem.

Since the composer's name is Gabriel, I just underlined it and wrote Spector underneath.  I'm so incredibly witty.

Participation: 100 for watching Seventh Seal and participating in the discussion.  Hwatah.

So I'll type up my SOC from Friday tonight, since I just got home basically, and I don't feel like reading.  And I believe you said to replace one journal entry this week with the SOC.  I'll try to recreate the sizing a bit.



Prompt:  Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced, and its impact on you.


Which experience can I talk about?  After all the essay hullabaloo, every major experience I can think of seems downright petty.  I feel as though nothing important has happened.  But that's something you told us two days ago.

SHUT

And my mind goes fucking blank.

Perhaps my "dilemma" or "experience" is my goddamn relationship with writing.
Mind.  Shut the fuck up.  NOW.

I don't feel like I can nail down one thing that has affected me.  And all the things I can think of are from when I was tiny.  Yeah, they shaped me, but they feel like silly things.

I gave up ballet at SAB.  I do have that.  And I didn't realize fully what I had done in doing so until sometime last year.  I gave up world class training with amazing people, and I didn't even realize.  I could come up with ways to blame my father or my mother, or my school, but ultimately it was my decision.  Clock says it was probably 10 minutes.

I give up.  What am I doing?  What am I doing here?

Why did I waste people's time?  So many people to blame, only one of them accurate.

Whenever I start to think about anything

Now I'm thinking about not thinking
What I would give to cry right now.  My mind feels like someone took a manual film reel, and put each frame as a different plot.  But each frame is subdivided into these tiny other frames.  Hundreds

1 4 9 16 25 36 49 64 81 100 121 144 169 196
And I want to capture all of them.  But I fucking can't.  I have said nothing.  In 15 minutes of (almost) nonstop writing, I have not said anything about our prompt topic.  Because I feel like an inferior being.  A whole conversation just played in my head.

"People tell me I'm terrible.  Or great.  Or any # of things.  I just don't know who to believe."

"The person who can tell you that is yourself."

"FUCK. YOU."  If I'm so terrified, yet hungry to know, why do I bother?  Why should I keep trying at all?

God damn dance.

Oh boyyyy

Studying for math, and I forget to freaking read.  Again.  And it's 2am on the dot.  I need to go to bed...

Well, 100 for today, for watch Seventh Seal and taking a good page of notes.  Also contributed to the discussion thereof.

Good

Morning

Well, it's a start

In my excitement over music, I totally forgot to read tonight.  I will, however, still blog for my participation.

100 for today.  I think I'm starting to "get" viewpoints.  One thing I'm not getting:  You told us to "work" on finding and staying in our discomfort, but we're not supposed to think about it.  Is that just at the beginning when we're only doing the grid and tempo?

I've got a plan!

I'm just going to start doing little posts in the morning as well, just to make this a habit again.  I've got to keep it in my mind, so I'll start by doing it twice as much, though certainly not as lengthy in the morning.

Happy New Year.